on my ikea couch with my grey feather comforter and a book , i feel perched on a time machine. surrounded on all sides by antiquity, wearing clothing spanning 100 years, time is what, idk, it's an organizational system we've got. i can't explain this right. big surprise.
i love how no one has bothered me today at all because everyone thinks i am far away in california. oh, that every day were like this! to go back months, before anyone knew where i lived!
lastnight bambi had a fit at me because he misses me. i miss him too, sort of. i recognize that what i miss, if anything ever, is someone to be with. he was not a very good fit for that role. and after being screamed at and yelling back for several hours, i hope he has come to the same conclusion. except i'm really fucking awesome, so i mean, who knows. i don't have time to care. i've got couches i need to lounge on, and books i have to read.
neck shoulder and back are absolutely killing me. have had the thrumming a few times today. don't think it's my heart, don't care if it is. mostly in the right arm. whatever it is, it doesn't hurt. it's more of a .. just a thrumming, and a heat. an extremely unnerving sensation which sometimes does hurt, but in my spine, not in my chest. and that is why i'm not backpacking through the desert right now. it is not worth dying over, and especially not worth wrecking my back further. do downward dog, and there is a big shift in my spine behind my heart. scary. strange. MRIs may be worth doing. so that maybe i can get some sort of doctors note, which will be useful in some way, in the future.
oh a thing i was thinking, right. about sex. or just intimate contact in general. and how it zens me. zen is my buzzword lately . because i'm an inarticulate fuck. but i always am using it in a consistent matter. and not terribly abusing it, mostly. anyway! the beef of it is, as far as i can tell, that when i went through the whole refeeding ordeal and the hospital and "how to deal with gut problems and physical pain" it was impressed on me that i should just completely ignore it, and put my faith into the science of the human body working, and medicines, and crap like that. AND THEN LATER i was also fed the opposite opinion, really, which is you know, listen to your body, and stop ripping your fuckin shoulders out of socket, and yadda yadda. but i still mostly just tank. which i think is a hilarious term, because tanking means failing, or being drunk, or in the context which i always mean which is a party of adventurers most specifically in WoW. Tank. go first, endure lots of damage, rely on support classes (which dont actually exist). tendency to kamikaze. over anything ever. because i don't value my life. ANYWAY OFF TRACK
when i am treated like i exist, i start to believe that maybe i do. and that i should take care. touch me and i pay attention to my body. the wind molesting me used to irritate me, but something happened, and i don't mind it anymore. hi, wind. hi, rain. Let's Touch.
that's about it, really.
thinking the thinky thing that thinks of the thinking things.
these problem might be reduced if i had a cat. but if i had a cat i know i'd end up snapping it's neck or just molesting it to the point where it left. because i'm a lich and feed on the living. i'm also a psychopath and do not inherently possess empathetic capabilities. so it's pretty hilarious whenever anyone has compared me to deanna troi... i mean srsly is there anyone i am less like?
i wish i knew what bird it is, making that call. its a pretty nice call.
saw a dead robin fledgeling today. DIDNT BRING IT HOME! GOLD STAR FOR THE DAY
back to zenning the fuck out, because no one is around agitating my molecules and giving me ulcers. extreme sensitivity is useful, in some ways. like, you know, ghost hunting, and stuff. and i get drunk really easily. yeah idk ok back to feigning literacy